With You In My Head
by bakaprincess85
Summary: It was a dark and stormy night when I died and it was a dark and stormy night when I lived again. It was a dark and stormy night when I met him and it was a... wait, you don't get to know that yet. F!Hawke(OC)/Fenris. Fawkes (my name for the ship). Asperger's Syndrome!Hawke
1. CH1 The Beginning

**With You In My Head**

 **Chapter One - The Beginning...**

To take a quote out of one of the books I read once,

"I'd never given much though to how I would die. But dying in place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go. I can't bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me face to face with death."

So, you might be wandering what that has to do with the story and the chapter title, when it's kind of obvious that it's starting with my death. Well... be patient, we'll get there. By the end of the chapter you should get it. And if not, there should be a small blurb about what happened in this chapter at the beginning of the next one. But I digress. This is a story about how I lived and died... and then lived again.

Have you ever heard of or played the game Blood 2? The main protagonist says these words at the very beginning of the game, "I live... again." If you have, that's great; if you haven't - go google it.

This story however has nothing to do with the game, so the previous paragraph is kind of redundant. Don't know why you read it, really. Don't really know why I wrote it, either. Anyway, before I go off on another completely useless tangent, I should really start the story properly, shouldn't I?

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

… Wait, I'm not Edward Bulwer-Lytton. I shouldn't use his quotes. I shouldn't really use quotes from other works either. That would be plagiarizing. Sigh.

Well, it was a dark and stormy night, the rain did fell in torrents and the wind was howling, and it did happen in London... but that's where the real story does start! Don't hit me, I bruise easily.

The story starts with me walking down the street. I was walking as quickly as I could. I was wearing only a thin jacket because I went to the grocery store to buy some fish fingers and custard to eat while watching Doctor Who. Good stuff, I tell you. When I first saw the Doctor eat it, I was sceptic, but then I decided to try it out and I was hooked. So every time I watched the 11th Doctor I would have it for dinner. It also wasn't raining when I left the apartment, so I didn't take my umbrella with me. Go figure. I mean, it's London, I should really take an umbrella with me everywhere I went, even if it was only five blocks away.

I haven't always lived in London, as you can probably tell. I only recently immigrated to the United Kingdom from my home country, Slovenia, so I wasn't used to the climate change yet.

As another gust of wind sprayed yet more rain onto my glasses, I cursed yet again at my forgetfulness. Why could I remember useless trivia and other stuff but not remember to take my umbrella with me I will never understand.

By the time I was almost back at my apartment (only one block away!) I was also cursing my choice of shoes - the pink ballerinas were really not that great to walk in while the ground was wet. They made me trip and slide like I was drunk. With a sigh of relief I noticed that my apartment was across the street. I only had to walk over the pedestrian crossing and I would be home free.

That was when my luck seemed to have run dry. It happened when I was halfway across the crossing. I don't remember much of it - a lot of lights, a horn blaring and pain. I think I was run over by a car or a truck. Well, something hard anyway. I remember feeling floaty - does that mean that I was struck with so much force that I actually flew through the air? I wasn't feeling the pain yet, but when I hit the hard, wet floor, it hit me like a truck. Excuse the pun, I don't think I was thinking very clearly in that moment. I couldn't really feel my lower half of the body, did that mean my back was broken? I couldn't move my head to look at it, it was all a blur. I was getting colder by the second, and my eyesight was getting even blurrier than when I didn't have my glasses on.

I don't know what happened next. Well, I do, but I can't explain it.

Just before my eyesight went black there was a bluish figure in front of me and the air around me seemed to have changed color from dark blueish to sickly green.

It wasn't until much later that I understood that what I was seeing was the Fade and that the figure in front of me was a spirit. A spirit of Compassion.

* * *

Well, here's another try to write fanfiction. Haven't really written anything in a long time and I wanted to try again. This is a rework of "The Strength Inside Me". I kind of wanted to do the whole reincarnation thing instead of an OC falling into the body of the main character. Hope you'll give it a try and I'd love to hear some constructive criticism. I also apologize in advance if the story is going to be a bit strange to read. I'll try to write it as straightforward as possible, but I don't think I'll do a good job. I kinda lose the tangent of my thoughts a lot and my fingers just run with it (blame it on my Autism) XD Anyway, here's to hoping you'll enjoy the story.


	2. CH2 and the End

**Chapter Two - … and the End**

 _PREVIOUSLY ON WITH YOU IN MY HEAD: It was a dark and stormy night when I walked home from the grocery when a truck hit me and I died._

* * *

Not the literal end, don't worry. It just seemed to me that the title goes really well with the previous chapter's title. Anyway, in the previous chapter I was dying and hallucinating, remember? I said that I thought I saw a bluish figure and the sky went from dark blue to sickly green? Yeah, that. I must have had a concussion because not much of what was happening then made sense to me.

But I don't hit my head that often and I don't think I've ever had a concussion before, and yet I often felt like things didn't make sense around me. Does that make sense?

The bluish figure in front of me came closer and I struggled to keep my concentration on it. My mind usually ran around in circles and I could think of a hundred different things all at once. I always had trouble focusing on one thing at the time... like now for instance. Great, even when trying to tell my story I go off about completely different things. Or am I? I mean, you get to know a bit about my background with the way I'm rambling, right? I sure hope so, because I don't like talking about myself lot, so people usually have to decipher my rambling to get to know me.

A tickle on my forehead made my eyes zero in on the bluish figure which I still didn't know what it was or how it got there. It seemed that my thoughts went bye-bye again and that the figure tried to get my attention by poking me in the forehead, but since it wasn't tangible, it could only send a smidgen of whatever it was that powered its batteries into me. It felt ticklish.

I tried really hard to keep my attention on it, but my eyes were found curiously darting here and there as I tried to make sense of where I was. This definitively wasn't the pedestrian crossing. I don't think I was in London anymore either. Strangely, the sickish green and the dark buildings in the distance reminded me of the Fade, a location in the Dragon Age series.

Great. Was I going crazy atop of being autistic now? There was no way that I was in the Fade after all. Dragon Age was only a game series that I was seriously in love with. I had to have played through the three games a dozen times each, read the wikia religiously and followed a lot of tumblr accounts to watch the amazing gifs the users made. I even tried my hand at a few fanfictions about the vast world and read even more fanfictions about it.

Another poke brought my attention back to the figure (spirit?). I gave it my best apologetic look. I don't know if I managed it because my facial expressions were always a bit stunted and I had no idea if they matched whatever I was trying to convey at the time.

Something must have shown on my face this time since the spirit tilted its head to the side as if considering me. Then my vision started to go black again and I fought against closing my eyes. I didn't want to die yet, not when I finally got to see a real Dragon Age spirit. I wanted to talk to it some more, but my mouth wasn't working for some reason. Usually, when I was in the company of people that I was comfortable with you couldn't get me to shut up. I felt really comfortable being near the spirit, so I wanted to talk. Darn my mouth that wouldn't work. I couldn't even move my tongue around my mouth. It seemed only my eyes were working at the moment and not even those worked that well. My eyesight was blurry even with me wearing my glasses and the vision was getting darker by the minute.

I don't know exactly how long the spirit and I stared at each other, but when my vision finally failed me, I could swear that another spirit joined us and actually went inside of me. But I couldn't be sure, as it was at that moment that I fell asleep.

* * *

Well, here's the second chapter. I know it's short and fast after the first chapter, but I decided to break the chapter up into two parts to kind of get the whole chapter titles going. Also, I wanted a proper end and a bit more rambling. The third chapter should be where the story starts again. Hope you enjoyed it. Please give me some constructive criticism and see you next time!


	3. CH3 (Just Like) Starting Again

**Chapter Three - (Just Like) Starting Over**

 _PREVIOUSLY ON WITH YOU IN MY HEAD: I think I was in the Fade and I had real trouble concentrating. Perhaps it was a concussion? Anyway, the spirit kept poking me and then I went to sleep. I think I died for real then._

* * *

As I slept, I could feel the warmth return to me. I felt encompassed by the warmth from all sides. I couldn't move, and I couldn't hear, and I generally couldn't do anything at the moment, but I felt safe.

I don't know how much time passed before I could start hearing again. At the beginning there were only a few mumbles, but with time I could discern that there were two voices. One of them was feminine and the other was masculine. The masculine one laughed a lot. I liked that. I liked laughing a lot too. Usually at my expense.

The time came when I could move again. I couldn't move a lot, but I moved as much as I could, which was a nudge here and there. I moved the most whenever the masculine voice was speaking. I liked the masculine voice a lot. I couldn't understand what the two people were saying, it was like my head was under the water and the voices were lost in the translation.

An undeterminable amount of time later I suddenly felt like I was being squeezed through a tube. It was a very uncomfortable feeling, let me tell you. Then the warmth that had surrounded me ever since I fell asleep suddenly went away and in the shock of the temperature change I couldn't stop the shriek that left my mouth. I was even more surprised that instead of the cursing I was doing in my head and that I tried to vocalize with my newly working mouth, I could hear a baby crying.

"What's going on?" I tried to ask, but the baby cried again at the same time I opened my mouth to speak.

I think I was covered with a warm blanket that made the coldness of the room much more bearable and when whoever was holding me put me on something even warmer and alive, I felt even warmer. The baby stopped crying as well and I was happy with the silence. I almost went back to sleep, but the two voices that I kept hearing from that warm cocoon started cooing.

"Oh, Malcolm, look at her," the female said with a voice full of love and exhaustion.

"She's perfect," the man said, his voice all choked up as if he was crying.

I could feel warm lips on my forehead and a finger tracing my fingers. Instinctively I grabbed onto the fingers and could hear the man chuckle, "Barely a few minutes old and already she has such a strong grip."

I had a feeling that when I heard the baby cry before when I was trying to speak, but this just confirmed it. I was that baby.

To be honest, I always wondered what happened after a person died. I was agnostic, but I did believe in reincarnation. Guess what, world. I was right! I would have pumped my fist into the air triumphantly but as I was a new-born baby I didn't have the ability to do so as of yet. My mind however was crowing triumphantly at being right about something for a change.

* * *

The years flew by in the blink of an eye.

Not really. They dragged like you wouldn't believe. I mean, I was a baby, I couldn't do much but sleep, eat and poop. I tried to be the best baby I could be, but I don't think it worked as well as I hoped it would, because I could sometimes hear my parents talking about how unlike a baby I was acting. Well, excuse me if I don't remember how I acted when I was a baby in my first life.

A few years after I was born my twin siblings were born. Their names were Carver and Bethany. Hawke.

Yes, you heard right. Carver and Bethany Hawke. As in Hawke. As in Dragon Age. Turns out the hallucination slash dream I thought I had when I died was real. I had thought that the spirits in the Fade were just a part of my overactive imagination and the fact that I was dying, but apparently it was all true. How did you know, you're probably asking yourselves. Well, it happened once upon a dream.

Yeah, lame answer - but true. Don't worry, I'll get to the full explanation soon. Hopefully.

Let's see then, whenever I went to sleep, I dreamed a lot. Even in my previous life I dreamed a lot, so I was happy to realized I could dream a lot here too. But sometimes instead of dreaming, I would appear in that sickly green area I had found myself when I was dying in the previous world. It didn't take me long to realize that it was the Fade.

And that I was apparently a mage. It was kind of a bittersweet realization. It was sweet, because I've always wanted to be a mage or a witch or any kind of interpretation of the word for a person with magic. It was bitter because Dragon Age was a world where mages were persecuted and sent to the Circles. Which meant that I was an apostate and that worried my parents even more than my weird behaviour. Apparently my Asperger's Syndrome had followed me from the previous life. I counted myself kind of lucky there, because I had no idea how to behave like a normal human being. I mean, in my previous life I was considered a bit weird, but I actually liked it. Me being diagnosed Autistic actually gave me a lot of answers that I didn't have before. I actually knew what was wrong with me and how to help myself instead of going to psychologists and psychiatrists and being diagnosed with schizophrenia or depression.

Er, I think I went off again. We were talking about my being a weird baby and then later a weird toddler and then later a weird teenager and an even weirder adult. Oh wait, we haven't gotten to the teenage and adult years yet. Just you wait.

As I was saying - the years dragged. Mainly because there was a thirty-year-old adult in a baby's body. I really did try to be the best baby ever, but as I said, I think I failed. I didn't cry a lot, started talking as soon as my mouth and vocal chords allowed it, began toddling around when I was barely a year old and my parents' acquaintances considered me a baby genius. I did nothing to persuade them differently.

It actually took me a while to realize that I was born as Marian Hawke. Leandra and Malcolm Hawke usually called themselves by dear, sweet, husband, wife, mommy, daddy, and very rarely did they call themselves by their names, so it took me a while to figure out what family I was born into. What world I was born into. At the beginning I thought I was transported into the medieval ages, but discarded that theory when my dad started using magic. I knew then that I was born into a different world altogether, but it still took me until Carver and Bethany's birth to realize that I was in the Dragon Age universe and in the body of the main character for the second Dragon Age game. I thanked my lucky stars that I could remember various tidbits from the Dragon Age lore so that I wasn't completely lost.

When I realized I was also a mage, I swore to myself to never let a demon overtake me and to work extremely hard at hiding my magic. Even from my parents. I think dad had an inkling that I was a mage, but he never said anything. Besides, I was too young to know what magic was and dad was extremely careful to not use any magic around me. The magic he did use and I saw him use was by accident when I went to drink some water in the night and I saw him use a spell wisp to read instead of using a candle. I pretended I haven't seen anything out of the ordinary when he looked at me sharply as I walked past him to the kitchen. I'm not sure if it worked because I never saw him use magic again.

It wasn't until I was twelve that my magic manifested itself, but that's for another chapter.


	4. CH4 I Cheat the Hangman

**Chapter Four - I Cheat the Hangman**

 _PREVIOUSLY ON WITH YOU IN MY HEAD: I was reborn as Marian Hawke in the Dragon Age universe. I am also a mage. Go me._

* * *

It was all I could do not to groan in pain. My whole body felt like it was stomped on by an elephant, then run over by a truck and stomped again. I couldn't remember what I did to make it hurt so much, for as far as I knew I didn't do anything strenuous before going to bed but curl up under my blankets to sleep and dream about the green-eyed elf I kinda-sorta had a crush on.

Please ignore the fact that he's a character from a video game. A video game's world that was actually real. And I had been reborn into it. Go me.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the sound of wood creaking, like something was about to collapse at any moment.

The second thing I noticed was the smell of ash and fire. I got really scared then – I didn't like fires for one, and second – if there was a fire, were my parents all right? Were they alright? Oh Maker, I hope I didn't burn down the house by accident... I had been manifesting small bouts of magic for a few weeks now, but never fire and never this big. But I heard no noise around me except for the aforementioned wood creaking.

The third thing that made me confused was a tingly feeling that coursed through my body. And a weight that crushed my chest making it hard to breathe. It wasn't wood, because in some places I could feel it cutting into my flesh.

I was cold and didn't know why until a cold wind furled over me and whatever it was that was lying on top of me. It made me shiver and realize that I was naked. My eyes opened pretty fast after that. My head was still feeling hazy and I was dizzy and my memory still wasn't all there.

All I could see above me were fiery sparks and smoke and drops of ashes that fell down like snowflakes. There was a glint of something just under my nose and with great effort, I managed to turn my head and look down.

There was a man lying on top of me. Half of his body was encased in some kind of metal armour, while the rest was probably a small burnt pile not far from where we were laying on the ground. There were small pebbles in the ground that were digging into my skin and it hurt when I tried to move.

A touch of skin to skin made me scramble away as fast as I could. He only had half of his armour on, I realized. I don't know if he managed to rape me or not, but I couldn't feel any pain inside me or feel anything that would indicate that he had his way with me. I couldn't help but sigh in relief.

Another gust of wind made me shiver again. Taking a deep breath and letting it slowly out made me a bit calmer. Calm enough to look around me in hopes of finding something to cover myself up with.

I was in a barn somewhere, I noticed. The fire wasn't as strong as I thought it would be and it was already dying out, making the smoke bigger. I had to get out of here, unless I wanted to suffocate on it. I couldn't see anything that I could cover up with, so I gave up. I tried to stand up, but my legs wouldn't hold me. It was like something had sucked out all my strength and stamina.

My nose and throat began to burn as the smoke got thicker and thicker. I never imagined I would die again... and so soon, I mused to myself as I curled up in a ball in the middle of the barn. In my previous life I had always imagined I would die either in a hospital or home, but alone.

Well, I was alone now, wasn't I? So that's the only thing I expected when I would die. It's almost funny, I thought as I tried to curl up even more, feeling so very sleepy. I was always just a little bit afraid of dying, but it really wasn't all that scary. At least not from my experience. You just close your eyes and fall asleep. Last time a spirit had touched me in the Fade, but this time it was standing in front of me. At least it hadn't poked me yet.

I blinked at the figure in front of me. Now that I didn't have a concussion and didn't need glasses anymore, I could see it clearly. It was glowing softly and I couldn't see anything that would make me know who or what that was. It was just there. There were brighter spots of blue around the place where the eyes should be. It just stared at me as if judging me. Was that the same spirit that had helped me the last time? I hoped so, because I wanted to thank it for its help. I wasn't sure if it was this particular spirit that helped me cross over or if it was the second one. My memory about that night was still a bit iffy, but I was almost certain that another spirit was there and that it went inside my body.

"It is not your time yet," the figure said. Its voice was strange. Like there were various people speaking the same thing at once.

"What kind of a spirit are you?" I asked it curiously. In another life I would probably be afraid of a translucent figure being in front of me, but I had experience with spirits and I knew that they were benevolent until some idiot summoned them and ordered them to do something that was so against their nature that they couldn't help but change into demons. What would Solas think of me now? Befriending spirits.

Not that I knew Solas. He was just that elf from Dragon Age Inquisition that turned out to be one of the old elven gods, Fen'Harel.

"I am a Spirit of the Fade," the spirit replied (and caught my attention again) and drifted closer to me. "I am one of the Maker's first children. I am the Spirit of Hope."

I stopped breathing. A spirit of Hope? Back in my world, I had read somewhere that the spirit of Hope was one of the most powerful benevolent spirits and that it very rarely appeared. That it appeared in front of me... well, that had to mean something, right? I hoped so at least.

"The spirit of Hope?" I said, almost breathless in my awe.

It almost seemed like the spirit in front of me cocked its head like a dog who was curious about something. "You seem to know what I am without me having to explain it to you. And yet you are not from this world."

Not from this world. Yeah, but I was reborn into it, wasn't I?

"Before I was reborn here, I lived in a world where this world was only a story for us to read about," I said, trying to explain the word video game. I think I failed miserably.

"And yet, here you are," the spirit said.

"Yes, but I think I wouldn't be if it wasn't for a spirit," I replied honestly.

"Was it you?" I asked before I could stop myself. The spirit was once again cocking its head at me. Almost like it could read my mind. Though, I realized, it probably could. Anders could hear Justice talking to him sometimes, though Wynne couldn't. I had to wonder what the spirit wanted with me or why it was even talking to me.

"The Maker has decided to give you another chance at life," the spirit said, with that multi-voice of theirs again. "You seem to know a lot about this world. About what happened and about what is to come."

Yeah, I did. And wasn't that the cause of many a headaches I was suffering from here. I usually thought a lot about what me being here and knowing about what would happen meant. Should I change things for the better? But if I did, then the future would become a blank page and I couldn't be sure of anything. I had more than ten years until the fifth blight started, twenty years until the Inquisition if I was lucky. And it seemed I wasn't - seeing as I was probably dying outside the Fade. Again.

Also, the spirit mentioned the Maker. I still considered myself an agnostic in this world, but was leaning more towards being an Andrastean, seeing as how magic existed in this world. That had to mean something. Also, the spirits and the Fade and the Black City were all real. So why couldn't the maker be real. And the spirit was talking about the Maker as if He was the one to decide to give me another chance at life here in the Dragon Age universe.

I hoped He did.

But there was still the question.

"Why would the Maker give me a chance?" I asked. I wasn't that special of a person. I mean, sure I was autistic and people called us special, but I really wasn't anything special. I wasn't exactly successful in my previous life. Didn't even manage to finish college.

"I do not know His thoughts," the spirit replied.

Well, the Maker has a sense of humour, I recalled Bethany saying in the game. She hasn't said it yet.

"But He was the one to decide to give you a chance. Will you allow me to help you?" the spirit asked. All I could do was nod. If this was a dream, I would wake up and nothing would change. If it wasn't a dream, I won't become a burned body inside a barn. I didn't care much about the fact that I was going to be an abomination in the eyes of everyone else in this world...

Well, I did... a little. But so far I had done a marvellous job of hiding the fact that I was a mage. Here's to hoping that I would do an even better job of hiding the fact that I was the host of a spirit. A spirit of Hope nonetheless.

As soon as I finished nodding, the spirit disappeared and I could feel its presence inside of me. I still didn't understand why a Spirit of Hope decided to help me.

"Your hopes and dreams are very powerful; it is what attracted me to you, what made me decide to help you," my mind whispered to me. Ah, so we would be able to communicate.

"Yes, there is much you do not know of this world and of your magic."

"I know, and I thank you for the help," I said, my mind working in a few different directions. Was that dead man beside me a Templar then? Did he use a Holy Smite on me? Was it because of the Smite, that I was so tired I could hardly move?

"Yes, you are a newly awakened mage. It was you that created that fire in the barn," the spirit whispered in my ear again.

"But I don't even like fire!" I exclaimed then realized that this wasn't exactly a smart thing to say. Because, hello - here I was, playing with fire hosting a spirit inside me.

"You do not have to specialize in one class of magic, I can teach you things about magic that your father does not know about."

"My father?"

"Yes, your father. He is near. You should wake up."

"Okay then. How do I wake up?" I asked.

"Just open your eyes."

Easier said than done.

It was like there was cement poured all over my face and then dried really fast. I wondered if there were drills in Thedas but realized that there probably weren't. There was no electricity after all… unless the mages learned how to harness it. I was still in the same position I was in before I blanked out – curled up next to the dead Templar, inside a smoking barn. I coughed as I once again breathed in the smoke. My eyes started watering and I could finally open them.

I closed them as soon as I could because the smoke made them burn and I really didn't want to become blind. I had to wonder where I was. I knew I was in a barn, but where was that barn? And yes, I know I'm rambling, but I'm confused. I'm allowed to ramble when confused, right? And when I don't really remember how I ended up here.

A gust of wind once again picked up and made me shiver, but it also drove the smoke away. The only difference from the gust of wind that made me shiver before was that this one didn't stop. It was like someone turned on a giant fan that blew the smoke away. There was the sound of crunching pebbles and I was suddenly engulfed in a warm cloak.

Ah, that would probably be the father then.

"Are you all right, Ria?" I heard a male voice whisper. It sounded like he was relieved to see me, scared out of his wits, and worried about me all at the same time. It was dad. Of course it was dad, Hope said that he was near right?

The arms around me hugged me to his body closer and made me realize I hadn't answered him yet.

"I'm fine," I said, but my trembling body answered better than my mouth did.

Not a moment later his warm hands surrounded me and after a few moments, lifted me up into the air like I was as light as a feather. I snuggled closer to the warmth and hid my face in the crook of his neck.

"Did he hurt you?" I heard him ask in a strangled voice. I guess he noticed the half-naked Templar then. I shook my head. I could almost imagine the relief on his face when he sighed into my hair.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I felt lips on my hair, which indicated that dad kissed me. I could feel my lips twitching into a smile.

I was distracted again by the return of the tingly feeling that I felt when I woke up for the first time. I brought one of my hands closer to my eyes and the tingling got stronger. I really hoped I wouldn't burst into fire again.

Dad stopped abruptly and I think he stared at my hand as well.

"You burnt that barn?" he asked in a shaky voice. I gathered my courage and looked up through my lashes. Dad's hair was as black as mine and his eyes were a piercing grey (mine were too) as he stared into my own eyes. I had to fight the impulse to hide myself behind the hair that fell onto my face, and I nodded.

I wondered if he could feel the magic inside of me and it was this that made him realize that I was a mage… or did my sparkly fingers give me away?

It was probably the fingers.

The following silence was very uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out an apology.

"Why are you apologizing?" dad asked me calmly.

"I should have told you about the magic as soon as I knew what it was," I mumbled into his chest.

"Yes, you should have," was his only reply and I knew that I was forgiven. It probably helped that he found me safe and sound and not raped or dead like I could have ended up.

I still couldn't remember what happened.

* * *

Here's to hoping I did a good enough job of editing the first chapter of The Strength Inside Me. I hope the chapter makes sense. I don't usually make a lot of it, so here's to hoping. Once again, thank you for reading this and please don't forget to give me constructive criticism. I know my story isn't as good as it could probably be so I hope you'll help me make it better.


	5. CH5 Maybe I Will, Maybe I Won't

**Chapter Five - Maybe I Will, Maybe I Won't**

 _PREVIOUSLY ON WITH YOU IN MY HEAD: Can't remember why, but I ended up in a barn somewhere with a dead Templar on top of me. Then I almost died again and a Spirit of Hope decided to help me. Oh, and apparently the Maker likes me. Figures._

* * *

I think I fell asleep sometime while I was being carried, because when I opened my eyes again I was lying in a bed. The mattress wasn't as comfortable as the one I had in my previous life (how could it be?), but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was filled with straw and covered with warm fur.

There was a low light coming from somewhere to my right and when I turned my head towards it I saw a small fireplace with a gently burning fire inside. There was another thing I noticed.

I wasn't lying on the bed alone.

There was a girl, probably a few years younger than me, with the same black hair (though a bit shorter) as the man and I had. She was sleeping. It was Bethany. She was probably worried about me and decided to have a sleepover in my bed. Again. She loved sleeping in my bed for some reason. It's not like her bed was any different than mine and she had a bigger room which she shared with Carver. Oh, wait. Carver was a snorer, so that's why she probably preferred my room. You wouldn't believe how loud Carver's snores can get. Sometimes they even wake me up and I sleep at the other side of the cottage.

Carefully, I extracted myself from the bed and went over to the small bench underneath a somewhat large window. It wasn't a full moon, more like half of it was missing. I curled myself up on that bench and just stared out. I had to think this through. Now that I felt rested and not as confused as I was when I woke up in that barn, I could think straighter. I might even make myself remember how I ended up in that barn.

My main concern tonight was what to do with the knowledge I had of the future. I've thought about it before, but never came to a conclusion. However, this time I had to make a choice. Should I try and change anything? Which Origin would become the Grey Warden? Would it be Elissa Cousland? Or Kallian Tabris? Perhaps Solona Amell, the relative of the Hawkes? Perhaps it would be a multi-origin world? My head started spinning with all the possibilities.

I knew one thing though – I should probably not change too much, because then the canon of the game would be ruined and I would have no idea what to expect next. Of course, I didn't know a lot about the next ten years, so I didn't have to worry quite yet. But I did need to plan.

I also had to decide what magic to learn, and how to hide it even better. It's obvious I couldn't hide it that well if a Templar found me. I never fought before so I didn't know how to be a battlemage.

All I knew from the very beginning of me realizing that I was a mage was that I didn't want to become too dependent on the magic inside me. I needed to learn how to fight, if I wanted to survive the Blight and Kirkwall. I definitively didn't want to be the damsel in distress that stood behind people and let them protect her. So, learning offensive magic was on, as well as learning how to fight with a weapon. I also definitively wanted to learn healing magic.

I also had to become fit if I was to be fighting in the future – ugh, how I hated running… but when in Rome do as the Romans do, I think was the correct phrase.

I wondered if I could ask Leliana to teach me how to shoot with a bow once she arrived in Lothering. Perhaps I could even imbue the arrows with magic like Kagome did in the anime Inuyasha? That would be really cool.

A murmur from the bed made me flinch. All this thinking was bad for me, I decided, as I tried to slow my heartbeat down. I had to be more aware of my surroundings.

"No, don't run away from me bunny," my sister muttered in her sleep, making me grin just a little bit. Whenever I found myself unable to sleep and had to share the bed with her, I was always entertained. Sometimes I stayed awake just to hear her sleep talking. Which I then used to tease her mercilessly with. Of course.

"Oh, you're so fast," Bethany mumbled again and started twitching, as if she was running after the rabbit. It reminded me of my dog – he would dream and twitch and let out these strange noises from time to time. My grin fell as I remembered that I left my world behind. I wondered what my parents thought about me dying. Was there a body left behind on the crossing?

I missed my previous parents sometimes. I missed my father's pranks and laughter and my mother's worried expressions. Now that I think about it, my new parents weren't that much different from my previous parents. That was good, I think. It made it easier to fit into this world.

I curled up even more and put my head on my knees at that. I could still remember me and my dad ganging up on my mum and making fun of her being scatter-brained, or us talking in unison sometimes because we were so very much alike. I could still remember my mum forgetting where she put things or ranting about my room. I have to admit, my room was a big mess. I was always collecting stuff and had a room full of carton boxes filled with all my collected items. Whether it was papers with my scribbles or toys from various cereal boxes, every moment of my short life was in those boxes. And I already missed my computer very much, and my music.

At the beginning of my new life here I was really worried about how I was supposed to survive without my music. It was my life! I always listened to music whether I played games (I listened to the game music then), or if I was reading, or writing, or doing anything else even – music was my constant companion.

I still wanted my music back.

I sighed against my knees, and then tried to think optimistic thoughts. I could always make music with whatever instruments existed in this world, like the Flute. I could hum and sing the music I knew to keep my memories alive. I wasn't good at notating the music, but I had an ear for it and could replicate any sounds I heard on my computer on the Piano and the Flute. I even started learning how to play the Violin.

I knew from my various readings that people in Thedas had lutes, harps, fiddles and flutes. Even in Skyrim there were lutes and flutes. I could always learn to play the Lute and the Harp, and reacquaint myself with the Flute and the Fiddle. I just had to wait until we moved to a village where they sold this stuff.

I sighed again. I shouldn't over-think things. This was one of my least desirable character points. I always over-thought things. This made me seem a little slow on the uptake sometimes, or perhaps a little aloof when in company of friends. But that was the curse of the Asperger's Syndrome I was diagnosed with. It was why I had so little friends and why I never went out much. It was like my brain was calibrated on a whole different level than most of the people I met. I never really belonged in my old world, never really fit in anywhere. I was mostly alone with my music. Me, Myself and I...

On another optimistic note, at least I had a family here. I was lucky not to be an orphan out on the streets, or an elf in the Alienage. Not that I hated elves, I really liked them. In games and movies they were always so beautiful and handsome and lithe and…

Suddenly I stiffened in my seat. If I was in Thedas… that meant that Fenris was now real and not just a character in one of my favourite video games.

Why did it take me so long to realize this? I dreamt about him before, sure, but it never really struck a chord within me that since I was born into Marian Hawke's body it meant that he was flesh and blood. That all the dialogues that I watched in the game would now really happen if I didn't change the future. But it also meant that there would probably be new ones since there would be no time-skipping.

I looked out the window again, only noticing now (and how pathetic is that?) that the house I was in was actually at the edge of a town. Was that Lothering? But no, the town was just that – a town – and not a village. And there was a castle next to the town. From what I could see of the area around the house, we were somewhere near the coast – so this meant that we were either in Amaranthine or Highever. However, I couldn't see the Brandel's Reach island anywhere in the distance so that meant that I was probably in Highever.

The home of the Couslands.

I almost slapped myself silly for not realizing this earlier. I mean, twelve years living in Thedas and I only now realized where we lived? That took my orientation miss coordination to a whole new level. I always got lost really easily. Which is why I chose an apartment in London that had everything I needed within easy to find reach, though most of the time I still used GPS to find my way around.

I shivered as I remembered that in ten years, Arl Rendon Howe would betray and slaughter them all. Yes, all. If I played as a City Elf then Elissa or Aedan would die with their parents when Howe attacked. And if I played as Elissa Cousland, then the City Elf would have died when Vaughan kidnapped her from his or her wedding.

But this wasn't a game anymore. This was real.

It made me weary of even thinking of changing the future because you never know what the future would bring if you tried to change it. I've read way too many fan fictions with that theme and there were always consequences.

But if I could just warn them to be wary of Howe? Would they even admit me into the castle proper to see them? And if I managed that, would they believe me? It was ten years before the Blight. That meant that the Cousland Warden (that's what I decided to call them in my mind, so that I wouldn't confuse myself by thinking of them as Elissa or Aedan – that would be way too confusing) was probably the same age as me.

Taking a more detailed look at my body, I saw that it was lean and soft. There was still some baby fat clinging to some places, but that would go away with time and of course, puberty. My black hair reached to the middle of my back and was wavy. I took great care of it and was very proud of my hair. I couldn't imagine cutting it, except for split ends. I usually wore it down, but if I was going for a walk I put it up in a ponytail to keep it out of the way. I wondered how I would keep it this long when the fighting finally came. Eh, I would think about that when the moment came.

I looked at the glass in the window and tried to see my face in the dark with the fire casting some light from behind. My eyes were very light in colour, but intense. I took after my father with the grey eyes. I loved them. They were very a very intense grey colour, but still managed to somewhat change colours depending on the clothes I was wearing. My eyes went great with any colour I had on. I was so proud of that fact.

I also remembered the fact that the Hawke family would move to Lothering sometime this year – and if the Templar attacking me was any indication, it would be pretty soon. This made the decision I had to make about warning the Couslands all the more dire. I had to decide, and soon.

I wanted to warn them so much, but what if the future changed because I warned them and Duncan didn't recruit the Cousland Warden into the Wardens because of it?

What if the Cousland Warden was the only Warden in this world?

In the end, all I managed to do with all this thinking was to get a headache. I brought my fingers to my temple and started to massage it. It was only then that I noticed that Bethany was awake and was watching me.

My sister bounded off the bed and jumped into my arms. I automatically caught her before she crashed on the ground and pulled her into my lap.

"Aw, Ria, we were so worried when you didn't come home and daddy went and looked for you and then he brought you back and I've never seen mummy so scared before but daddy said that you were okay and that you weren't hurt, just in shock, and to let you rest for a while and then told me and Carver to let you rest for as long as you needed and then put you in bed and took mummy to their room and I heard them talk about moving again and that made me scared that I did something wrong again like the time we had to move from Amaranthine when I healed that cat and-"

I couldn't understand half the words that came from her mouth she was talking so quickly, so I did the only thing that I could think of and put my fingers over her mouth to stop her from rambling on. Apparently she was a mage too, but I didn't notice it. Oh Maker, I was so obtuse sometimes. Of course she was a mage, she was a mage in the video game too wasn't she? I hugged her to myself.

"I'm so glad you're okay," she mumbled around my fingers and clutched her little hands around my neck. Somehow, I found myself humming a lullaby and watched as she relaxed around me and fell asleep again.

Her weight was pleasant enough not to disturb me in my daydreaming as I stared out the window and watched the moon pass, and then the sun rise. A new day was starting and I was becoming excited about it. Actually, life wasn't that bad, I realized for perhaps the first time in my life.

So, what was a few hurdles and mishaps? I'll just work hard to overcome them and become strong enough to be the leader that I needed to be.

I hoped so at least.


	6. CH6 In Peace, Vigilance

**Chapter Six - In Peace, Vigilance**

 _PREVIOUSLY ON WITH YOU IN MY HEAD: I woke up and thought a lot about what I should do. Not that I came to any conclusions, mind you. The only thing I managed to get was a headache._

The next morning my parents sat me down and lectured me about hiding the fact that I was a mage from them. I mean, they knew that Bethany was a mage and father was already teaching her how to control her magic and she was a few years younger than I was. Why did I not tell them? Did I not trust them enough? And so on and so forth went the questions my parents threw at me. To tell you the truth, I'm still not sure why I didn't tell them I was a mage. I knew I was one since almost the beginning of my new life. I dreamed about the Fade since I was but a small baby.

I had to really think about it later that evening when I was lying in my bed. The morning was spent being lectured by my mother and the afternoon was spent being lectured by my father. It was not a pleasant day, thank you very much.

In my previous life I was a bit naïve and trusted too easily, so perhaps I was kind of the opposite here? I mean, I trusted my mum and dad and my siblings, but did I trust them enough? I was a very independent person before I died (at least I tried to be) and always had troubles depending on other people when I had troubles and it seemed that this particular character flaw followed me into this life. A lot of my character flaws followed me here, to tell the truth, but I tried not to let them dictate my life.

It wasn't easy at all. My bad habits from my previous life followed me here it seemed. However, I couldn't let them take root in this life as well. This was a rare chance I was given of a new life, a new chance at living differently from before. No more will I be the recluse whose only friends were fictional characters in books, movies and video games.

Therefore, I started my training. When I was old enough to be trusted to be left to my own devices, I had started to train my stamina. I took long walks in the woods, ran around tree trunks and tried my best not to trip over my feet and let my face meet the floor. I climbed trees to get some muscle into my arms, because I definitively wouldn't let myself be a burden to my future companions. I had nicked a wooden sword from Carver and started hitting the trees with it. I wasn't very good at it yet and it was clear to me that swordsmanship just wasn't my thing. I was too scared of actually fighting on the front lines. I have promised myself that I would at least give it a try, just in case I couldn't keep the enemies at range. I would probably switch to a dagger later, because the sword was just too heavy for me and left me even clumsier than I already was.

Of course, the start of that training had begun a few years ago, and not in the week that we had left in our home (mum and dad decided that we would move to Lothering by the end of it). That of course also put me under the pressure of making a decision to warn the Couslands. Another one of my bad traits, I guess, was to leave the decision until the last possible moment.

I spent more than one night awake and just staring at the castle in the distance, making my decision and then hesitating and changing my mind again. Sometimes I hated myself. Innocent lives were at stake here and here I was - taking the easy way out by even contemplating not to go to the castle.

Finally, the day before we were to depart arrived and I couldn't take the indecision anymore. I made my way to my parents' room where mum and dad were packing some last minute additions (of course, we couldn't take everything with us, it would be too much) and knocked on the doorway.

Dad looked up and gave me a tight smile. He always felt guilty every time we moved. Of course it wasn't really anyone's fault, but even though we could have stayed, my father preferred to move (he was paranoid that way).

"Dad?" I muttered while biting my lip.

"Yes, is something wrong?"

I chewed on my lip some more before finally opening my mouth. "I was wondering if I could go for one last walk in the woods before we have to leave?"

 _Oh, that hurt._ I have never really lied to my parents before. I was a notoriously bad liar in my previous life. In this one too if I was completely honest with you. And my dad knew it too, since the look he gave me was obviously telling me that I was a bad liar. However...

"… of course you can," he said, still staring at me with his penetrating grey eyes. I blushed and looked down to my feet in shame. I really didn't like lying to my parents.

"Thanks," I murmured softly as I shuffled out of the room and out of the cottage.

* * *

If I had walked to Castle Cousland it would have taken me quite a few hours to get there, so I decided on an easy jog through the woods and then a quicker one on the road to the castle. I still had no idea what to even say to make them believe me, so I decided to do what I did best – to just wing it.

As the castle came closer, so did the village situated around it. It was full of people. I had never seen so many people in one place before since being reborn into this world. I had no idea of the number of the populace here. I wasn't even sure if Thedas was just the continent on which the events would unfold, or if Thedas was the whole world. My personal theory was that it was a continent, since much of the southern map of Thedas was titled as the "Uncharted Territories". Did that mean that people just haven't explored that much of the world or did the Dragon Age creators just think that up because they were too lazy to create the map of the whole world? And who knew what was across the Frozen Seas, north of the Boeric Ocean and west of the Anderfels. From the map of Thedas I remember perusing on my computer, it sure looked like Thedas was only a continent. I had to thank whomever was up there that I had a good memory. I might not remember all the details from the video games or the timelines, but I remembered the general stuff and knew a lot of trivia about the world of Thedas from reading and re-reading facts and theories on the internet.

Ever since the templar's attack however, I have been leaning towards believing in the Maker. I mean, if it wasn't for him I would be dead twice over. The first time in my world and the second time in this one. He was the one who sent Hope to help me after all, so He must be real.

I hoped so anyway.

However, this wasn't important at the moment. What was important was getting the guards in front of the castle's main doors to let me in to talk to the Cousland family. I stopped in front of them and we just looked at each other for a few moments.

 _OH MY GOD, WHAT DO I SAY?_ was the only thing that went through my mind. I was beginning to panic. I had never had to speak to strangers before - my parents did all the talking and mum usually left us alone with dad when she went to buy things in the village.

Twelve years and this is the first time I'm talking to another human being other than my family.

"C-could I perhaps talk to Teyrn Cousland and his family?" I stuttered out after a long moment of gathering my courage and trying not to blackout. Damn my social anxiety. Why did you have to rear your ugly head in this world!

The guards looked at each other and I knew they would send me away. I mean, who would let an unknown child talk to the boss of the place? Not only was I an unknown, and a child, but I didn't even look like someone important. I had on my usual clothes: grey woolen leggings, brown tunic and a dark brown leather belt. Nothing special.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible, miss," one of the guards said. "There's a wedding being held in the castle today."

Was that why there were so many people in the village? I did think there was a bit of an excess. Aaaand my unobservancy strikes again. I mean, I walked past the decorated place, but didn't notice anything out of order. Perhaps it was because I've never been to Highever village before so I didn't know what it normally looked like. Yeah, I'll take that over me being unobservant every day.

"Oh," I said, stupidly. What could I do now? How could I warn them if I couldn't speak to them? Okay, calm down - if I can't speak to the Couslands, who would be old enough and important enough that I could speak to but wouldn't be attending the wedding. Fergus was out... it was probably his wedding to Oriana after all. Aldous? Mother Mallol? No, mother Mallol would probably turn me in to the templars if she had even an inkling that I was a mage. Aldous... was he important enough to be invited to the wedding? Nan was probably busy in the kitchen and wouldn't even have the time.

"Is there anyone that I could speak to?" I asked, fidgeting in place a bit and biting my lip. "Perhaps Aldous?"

The guards looked at each other again, this time with suspicion in their eyes. Yeah. I wasn't supposed to know anyone in the castle - never having been here after all.

Before I could stop myself, my mouth took over my brain and I added, "I'm an oracle."

I had no idea if this was going to work. I didn't know if they even knew what an oracle was supposed to be... however if the guards' shocked expressions were anything to go by, they did.

Five minutes later I found myself ushered into the castle's library and bade to wait until one of the guards could fetch Aldous. I guess he was invited to the wedding after all.

I sat myself down on one of the chairs and took a deep breath.

I was in.


End file.
